Jordan Rules? Try the Jersey Rules
You know that feeling when you walk into Goodwill for no apparent reason and walk out with five less dollars than you started with? Not because you lost your wallet when you tried out that old, unplugged electronic organ, but because something hanging up there just caught your eye.
It happens every single time, and because it’s Goodwill there’s no way you can possibly turn down buying anything — it’s all $5 or less, that’s almost like stealing awesomeness.
Imagine that you’re like me. We’ll call it being a connoisseur of obscure sports memorabilia. I’m not talking 1990s Starter jackets or crew-neck sweaters, I’m talking about jerseys, the ultimate mark of an over-bearing fan.
They’re all over the place, especially if you‘re on any large college campus in America, and many times you can stumble upon the best ones at that local Goodwill.
There’s a dilemma with jerseys. It’s great that you have $85 dollars to spend on one and it’s just peachy that you’re confident enough to walk around in public showing off the gun show.
The dilemma is that if you wear jerseys, well, no, you probably just shouldn’t wear them at all.
When you see someone walking around in a Kobe Bryant jersey, I’m pretty sure your immediate thought process isn’t: “That guy, he knows what’s up. NICE!”
At least I hope that isn’t you, but those just aren’t that cool. People walk around in Lacoste polos every day, but just because that shirt they’re wearing costs more than my entire outfit doesn’t mean it’s any better.
Jerseys are special, really, they are. It’s just they’re something that needs to be understood. Those Goodwill jerseys are better than anything you’ll find at your local mall.
I mean, what’s going to catch your eye first: an Aaron Rodgers Packers jersey or a Mike Williams Lions jersey?
The latter, obviously.
Here’s the thing, once you turn, say, 21 years old, your jersey-wearing privileges drop off the map significantly. There’s no reason for an adult with kids to ever wear a jersey — hell, or a jersey shirt for that matter — in a public place.
You go to a sporting event as a fan, you wear a jersey. That’s why we buy them. You don’t go out and buy a tux for a wedding then just decide to wear it to Walmart because you it looks good and has some swag.
Good lord, no. Swag your self off, bro.
You deserve to be kicked square in the face if you think walking out in public wearing your Prince Fielder jersey is fully acceptable.
There is a twist though, and that’s where the obscurity factor comes into play. Say you walk out wearing that same Detroit Tigers jersey, only this time it’s Bobby Higginson’s No. 4 jersey?
You immediately move from the awful list to the awfully awesome list.
Seriously, the weird ones are the great ones. I’m pro-jersey when you go about it properly — deep down, my dream wife goes to sleep every night wearing nothing but a Charles Barkley Phoenix Suns jersey — but like I said, there’s finding treasure and manufacturing it.
Someone who wins $20 dollars on a scratch-off lottery ticket is going to enjoy that money way more than someone who’s already got it. We love crazy shit, that’s how life works, but it’s easier to be excited for something obscure than something normal.
It’s why we can sit on YouTube for five hours in one night during exam week and love every minute of it. It’s why women enjoy watching Lamar Odom try to act like he cares about anything Khloe Kardashian says for 30 minutes every week.
You just have to think outside the box — or maybe inside the one at Goodwill.