Ryan Braun

Garbage Time with the Byrd (Feb. 27)

February 27, 2012

In an unprecedented move, MLB’s reigning NL MVP Ryan Braun is responding to allegations that he’s got Herpes. Having bedded many questionable maidens in my day, let me be the first to tell you I feel your pain, Ryan.

The Red Sox announced a ban on beer in the clubhouse, but what about fried chicken? We’ll delve into that, Braun’s spotty record, and more of ESPN’s gaffes in this edition of Garbage Time with Byrd Reynolds!

Dry Sox

Introducing the first of potentially many radical notions since his arrival in bean town, Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine announced Saturday a ban on the consumption of beer in his team’s clubhouse.

Players will also have to suffer through sobriety during the last legs of their road trips, the Associated Press reports. The embargo is said to include all alcohol beverages, according to the report.

Venerated starting pitcher John Lackey was reportedly disappointed to learn that Zima fell among the list of banned beverages outlined in the new policy. Valentine did not say whether he would implement a similar policy for fried chicken.

David Ortiz contributed this gem to the discussion:

”We’re not here to drink. We’re here to play baseball,” the slugger said. ”This ain’t no bar. If you want to drink, drink at home.”

Insightful. Big Papi, of course, is referring to a new and popular money-saving trend in Boston.

The announcement follows Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington’s issuance of a similar halt on beer bongs, crack cocaine, ecstacy, opiates, LSD, uppers, downers, whippits, weed, and boomers — every other Wednesday.

Braun cleared of PED charges, VD discharges

Perhaps the most important note of Milwaukee slugger Ryan Braun’s press conference Friday, more important than his affirmation that he was innocent of PED use, was his declaration that he, LeBraun, isn’t swinging a Herpes-laden bat.

ESPN columnist Jerry Crasnick reported Braun’s venereal vow:

A persistent rumor has made the rounds on the Internet that he failed his drug test because of medication he was taking to combat a case of herpes. Braun even chose to drag that rumor out into the sunlight, maintaining that, “I’ve never had a personal medical issue, and I’ve never had an STD.”

And sports site Terez Owens previously reported that Brewers officials were aware of the situation:

I have more inside information on the Ryan Braun ‘herpes rumor’ situation. I heard this yesterday from two guys who both work for the Brewers. According to them, “Braun will be let off because he tested positive for Herpes and the medication given to him by his doctor (legal to fight this) is what caused the spike. Braun and his lawyers plan to go after whoever leaked the story because of HIPAA laws. That is why Braun has not made a statement and that is also why in Mark’s statement he referenced it being a “personal issue.”

The news is important, mainly for Wisconsin women because, knowing he is innocent*, they can cross Braun’s name off their lists of sexual partners who may have given them Herpes.

World Wide Leader in Racism

Less than a week after ESPN fired an editor who put derogatory slur toward Asians in a headline on its mobile website, the network the World Wide Leader was up to its old, racist tricks Saturday.

The World Wide Leader in Sports (and possibly overt displays of racism) earned another notch on its bigotry belt when an editor at its affiliate site Soccernet used an ill-advised headline – “Gook earns double victory” – to summarize South Korea’s win Uzbekistan in men’s play, Deadspin reports. Korean striker Lee Dong-Gook netted a pair of goals in the 4-2 victory.

But in fairness to the editor in question, it’s not as if Dong would have rolled off the tongue any easier. It bears mentioning in this case, according to the report, that Lee is the proper surname. No word yet on whether the wordsmith behind this blunder has gotten the axe, but the site has since changed the wording.

ESPN fired employee Anthony Federico on Sunday for the following headline: “Chink in the Armor: Jeremy Lin’s 9 Turnovers Cost Knicks in Streak-Snapping Loss to Hornets.”

Federico, 28, ran the header at about 2:30 a.m., but it was removed at 3:05, ESPN said in a statement. ESPN also had this to say:

We are conducting a complete review of our cross-platform editorial procedures and are determining appropriate disciplinary action to ensure this does not happen again.

And if it does, we’ll have to repost this message. Or something.

That’s the juice, sans the syringe, folks!

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